“Envy…. If there is one thing I envy more than people who are bilingual, it it people who play the piano. Music is a language in it of itself that I will never understand. There is something so intricate about the composition of music that fascinates me. Even more than that, it’s the performance that knocks me on my knees. People who can play the piano fascinate me. I think this is because I want to be able to play the piano myself but never will. The amount of time and dedication that it would take to be as proficient at playing as I would like to be is honestly insurmountable. I think that’s why I envy these people.

If I meet a female piano player, then I secretly and automatically hate her. It’s like when you meet another female who strongly resemblances yourself but also has bigger breasts, whiter teeth, softer hair, and a rounder butt than yours. You instantly hate her. I get that same feeling when there’s a girl in the room who can play piano… play piano well that is. Now on the flip side, when I meet a man who can play the piano… it’s practically love at first sight. I wish I knew psychologically where this comes from. 

In the summer of 2015 I went through this phase where I was trying to reevaluate my expectations in a suitable male. I took down a mental list of all the things I seek for in a suitable mate. I suddenly realized that many of the things I was seeking in a mate were not Christ-like characteristics but rather earthly imitations of them. I would picture a man playing a piano for me because I thought that’s what a gentleman would do. I pictured him playing piano because I knew that I would vicariously live through him… perpetually wishing that his hands were my hands.

I had this warped perception that marrying a piano player would be the solution to my piano playing envy. It was then that I decided to start teaching myself how to play all the songs I longed to know. I have a decent enough understanding of music theory from taking music theory at Chandler Prep that I could read sheet music and pick out the note on the keyboard. I found the sheet music for some of my favorite originals from Samuel Wright’s 2005 Pride and Prejudice and annotated the heck out of them. I learned the introductions and a few of the main sections. I could play them. Not well. And definitely not in the correct time signature. But I could hear the faint derivative of my favorite songs and that made me happy.

It taught me that I don’t need to marry a man who can play the piano and live vicariously through him for the rest of my life. If I want to play the piano then I will… simple as that.

It wasn’t pretty but it was possible! Now, is it probable that I will one day dedicate enough of my time to become a proficient piano player? No, definitely not. But I realized my potential and no one said it was absolutely impossible so who cares. That’s good enough for me.

Since this experience I have tried not to be attracted to qualities in men that I really just wish I had in myself. Everyone knows envy is a big ugly green monster, and I guess this is why.” 12/30/16

To my audience: this is the first of many posts that will be in the series titled “Directly From My Diary”. These posts will encompass my musings. They are for the most part entirely unedited. I fix grammar of course, but when I write in my diary I only write first thoughts. This means I don’t go back and erase and re-write until I am satisfied with how something sounds. I just go! I write and I don’t look back at the previous sentence. So please forgive the poor sentence structure and awkward phrases!

If anyone is interested in learning more about this first thoughts method writing please don’t hesitate to contact me! It’s actually Natalie Goldberg’s idea who is a super famous writer.